For the past two months I have been writing a book about lies, or even myths, of the modern age and it got me thinking about the lies surrounding church worship that we have inadvertently accepted without ever questioning them.
It’s a highly taboo subject this, but we are not insulated from lies just because we are sitting, standing, playing or talking in church. It may be the house of God, but as humans we are still exposed to falsehood, in whatever form.
So, as a way of exposing the lies of church worship – and I urge you not to take this too seriously – I have persuaded Musicademy’s great and good to indulge me for this rather haphazard little post called Top Ten Church Worship Lies.
- Worship leaders are perfect
We all know humans are fallible – Christ wouldn’t be unique if they were – but there is something lurking around in our thought process that makes us worship the worship leaders, particularly the cool and trendy ones.
Now, here’s a thing. Most worship leaders I know are decent, humble, spiritual people but get them out of their workplace (i.e the front of church) and they aren’t that wonderful. Most of them are convinced they are right (when they are not), most are unfeasibly sarcastic (which I quite like) and, if you don’t get it right, are prone to the odd girlie strop (which is fantastically amusing). Now, I understand this. They do what they do week-in, week-out and they have to suffer some quite awful musicianship from time to time (I hold up my hands here), but when it comes to a bit of patience, their approach does (not always) become quite threadbare. So, let’s take these people for what they are: quite normal, like you or I. - The Happy Song
Never am I more depressed than when I hear The Happy Song. - Sound men/women are unimportant
Never ever think this. These people have influence that goes right to the top. If you cross a sound man/woman, expect to see your name disappear from the worship rota within the blink of an eye. These people wear black – and for good reason. They are axemen, and if you think a cold, hard soulless stare is all you’ll get when you tell them you think their levels are wrong, you are woefully under-estimating their influence. Sound men/women are cut from a different cloth and you must always understand that. Treat them nicely or they’ll hurt you in more ways than you can ever imagine. - Tambourine – easy to play
A tambourine in the hands of the wrong person is like a terrorist that has inadvertently stumbled across a nuclear warhead. - The Famous Worship Leader Toilet Story
There is a legend that a very well known, international worship leader learned the value of servanthood by starting his career cleaning toilets. The story goes that instead of a start that involved playing a few tunes in homegroup this very humble individual began life with a toilet brush removing skids from the church lavatories. This is a yarn that has no quality evidence attached to it. Step forward humble man, and make yourself known. - The notices
Is this really part of our worship? I doubt it. - Drummers are the Devil
This particular theory gathered pace in the early 90s/pre-drum screen/hotrod days. I know this to be true. Why? Well, when I started playing drums in quite a sizeable community church the volume levels never failed to be an issue and the finger of blame was usually pointed quite squarely at me. I do remember a number of incidents that back up this statement. This is not a victim mentality. During one soundcheck one elderly member of the congregation called Roy walked up to my drumkit as I was playing and, standing there at no more than two foot away, stuck his fingers in both ears. This is not subtle. One gets the message. Roy.
Then on another occasion, during the notices, a leader (again called Roy) asked the congregation whether he thought the drums were too loud. This is bad. Now, this is not because I was too loud – the other drummers on the rota went through the same kind of systematic abuse – but it was because people didn’t get it. We are not the devil and we do try to play as sensitively as we can. - Turntables/scratching
Great in a club, rubbish in church. - Homemade shakers are fun
Never encourage musicians that are on the periphery of the worship team to build their own shakers. There have been occasions, particularly when Kevin Prosch was at the height of his fame, where useless individuals would turn up with a home-made percussion instrument. A drum with an animal skin on it is bad enough, but any creation made from a washing up liquid bottle and some dried peas needs to be burnt at the altar. If necessary cordon off the stage when you see someone walking up the aisle with his/her handiwork. I remember when some dullard presented us with his own ‘rainstick’ made of a cardboard tube peppered with tin-tacs and some gravel inside. It sounded, well, like a cardboard tube peppered with tin-tacs and some gravel inside. - Bass players – dull
They are lovely people and I enjoy their company a lot but yes, I admit they are quite dull.
Tim Bowdler is author of Lies Lies Lies. Visit www.lieslieslies.net.
57 Comments
Oi – I’m not dull!
As a bass player, I’m just as excited by effects as my guitarist brothers, it’s a shame most effects have be so extreme before they are noticeable. There’s probably a limit to how ‘not-dull’ my sound can be.
I should probably have more productive goals for playing than managing to get the following effects in:
Distortion with a great sweeping flanger
Bass Synth
When I do, I may have some justification in upgrading from my old Zoom 506!
Given how I normally trail behind Christian contemporary culture by something in the region of 5 years, I still recall my bemusement at the cheer greeting Martin Smith when he lifted up his mandolin at the first Delirious gig I ever went to. (I helped as a roadie, they were ever so pleasant and helpful). I’ve never learnt it for the mandolin, but did have a quick go at REM….
I’ve noticed the “well we are not perfect” argument being trotted out on occasions and while it has a degree of truth I get cynical. At times it is used to excuse and even promote blatantly unchristian.
We should not put on plastic smiles and fake Christian joy, agreed. But at the same time there is something wrong with a group of Chrsitians that show no emotional engagement when worshipping God. It’s a great antidote to depression.
Sound men/women are important but need remember they server the church, musicians and God. Enough said.
Tamborines are a relatively easy instruments to play providing you don’t try to get too fancy.
Being unable to substantiate a story about a humble worship leader doesn’t mean it is a lie, just that it is an unsubstantiated story. If he wa a truly humble man then you wouldn’t expect to hear him big noting himself about his rise to fame.
Notices are a necessary part of a worship service as are sitting down on a seat and standing to sing.
Drums are frequently played too loud and drown out most of the other musicians and worship leaders. Drummers like all musicians and people leading worship need to learn to serve the music and the church, not glorify themselves.
We’ve got a team member who plays a variety of home made shakers including rice in a plastic container. They add a great deal to the music. My biggest problem is that at times the construction is not reliable and we’ve had bits fly off and come close to hitting me in the middle of a church service.
By your own admission bass players are dull.
Guess there are two sides to every story. If you are trying to make a point in jest then I think you have failed. If this was the intent then why not come out say straight what you think is wrong.
Actually it is hard to see any point behind the article. At best it is a pretty banal attempt at humour and probably an unashamed plug for a book which I’ll try to avoid. It’s what is known in the vernacular as drivel.
Don’t take it personally. I suspect you wouldn’t write this kind if it didn’t have an audience.
The line: ‘I urge you not to take this too seriously’ is pretty key here, and yes it is banal drivel and a shameless plug for my book – the clue’s in the headline.
Glad you took this in the spirit it was intended Mr Bishop. As soon as the book is out, I send you a copy for free.
Enjoy.
I loved Derek’s comment here:
We’ve got a team member who plays a variety of home made shakers including rice in a plastic container. They add a great deal to the music. My biggest problem is that at times the construction is not reliable and we’ve had bits fly off and come close to hitting me in the middle of a church service.
I agree with all three of you – Homemade shakers are a lawsuit waiting to happen.
But unfortunately Derek, tambourines – while tolerable among the music group, are a soundman’s worst nightmare among the congregation. Due to sound-lag in a large church, it is impossible to keep a tambourine in the congregation in time with the amplified music group. One local large church has an unwritten policy of removing any such item which may have sneaked in with any member of the congregation.
Plus they make you look like a Gonk.
Tim,
Actually what you wrote was “So, as a way of exposing the lies of church worship – and I urge you not to take this too seriously – I have persuaded Musicademy’s great and good to indulge me for this rather haphazard little post called Top Ten Church Worship Lies.”
As I demonstrated there are two sides to the issues you raise. Basically you are trying to score some points for your side by poking fun at and belittling the other. Your approach is convenient because when challenged you can withdraw and say it was all just intended as a bit of a joke. In that regard your response was predictable.
I suggest you spare yourself the expense of sending the book. I regularly toss out a great deal of junk mail and adding to this collection is not necessary.
Hello Bobcat,
Have a look at this video clip for some great tambourine – in a big church. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arsd9CAFu_w. I’d hate to think this got canned because a sound man could handle it.
I’m not sure what a Gonk is. Sounds like something out of a Dr Seuss “Cat in the Hat book”. I think I get the gist of what you are trying to say. Keep in mind you will probably find some people think that beating a bit of pig skin with a stick qualifies you for the same epitaph. Also, a lot of people think that gathering together to worship a Person who they don’t believe exists immediately puts Christains in the same category. So it is not something that should automatically deter us from a good cause.
i’ve started taking “rice in a plastic container” lessons with a local tutor. was a little embarassed when the tutor made fun of me for bringing a chinese takeaway container with boiled rice in it for the first lesson. it did help me worship very sensitively though.
Many thanks for backing-up my point Derek (although you really should actually read people’s posts before replying).
The Tambourine in your lovely chosen example sits squarely with the music group and therefore is neither subject to distance lag, nor outside of the soundman’s control. At that size of event, a tambourine in the congregation would be both largely redundant and thankfully only a source of irritation to those immediately around it.
Also you may notice that the shaker was a professional model, and not one of your aforementioned ‘Blue Peter’ affairs so you can rest easy ;)
As for Gonks – fantastic things (potted history here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gonk ) the key phrase to take away here is “wildly popular in the sixties.”
Here’s another Gonk with a tambourine, regularly worshipped by thousands: http://bit.ly/dwIW1I
Oh Derek, you’re playing hard to get now. I’ll tell you what, I’ll send you a two or three specially autographed copies of my book. You can pass them on to your family.
Hope you had a lovely weekend.
God bless,
Tim
Hello Kris. One of the ladies in the group has a great assortment. The Praise Mayonnaise container containing rice is one of my all time favourites. We even got a few specially hand crafted items sent back from Chile by one of our missionaries. They are all great for keeping everyone in time and add a nice dimension to the music. O and did I mention we use the tambourine sometimes. We don’t seem to have the technical problems experienced by some of the others. Drums are over rated.
Okay, so you are referring to people using them in the congregation. I didn’t see that mentioned in the OP. We use it in our worship team on occasions and it sounds great. And it is simple to play.
I’m all for worship that shows consideration for those around and is not a distraction. But I suspect that one of the big hindrances to worshipping God from the heart is the fear of what people may think. Maybe we are too concerned about how we might appear to others when we worship.
Derek, Derek, Derek…
On reading this whole blog, one suspects that you are taking this a leetle bit too seriously. Either that or 1) something in your past has caused you to suspect drummers are in fact the devil 2) you are in fact a tambourine salesman 3) You are in fact John Noakes from Blue Peter and you never got the royalties you deserved from the 70’s home made shaker revival 4) You have been inadvertently hit be a piece of shaker shrapnel and the head wound caused a humour lobotomy.
If you read the humour in this guy’s other blog contributions (as well as his opening paragraph) then it seems pretty obvious that you are supposed to take it with at least a pinch of salt and not respond like Mr Officially Offended…
Honestly dude – lighten up
Truth or lie.
Do all drummers grunt like female tennis players whilst thrashing the kit? A recent survey done by myself and, well only 2 other drummers concluded that 2 out of 3 do. Me being one. I’m perfectly capable of singing in tune but it seems that when i’m behind the kit i continue to whine (singing it is not). The second drummer in this survey was caught mid flow during recording as his grunting was being picked up by the drum microphones. The third drummer was feeling quite left out by our open freedom of expression and has assured us he will make an attempt to grunt and whine during his next session.
My comments are not of a serious nature and no drummers were harmed during the making of this survey.
Dave,
I guess that would make you one of Tim’s marketing people. You obviously like a challenge.
Hi again Derek, I know what you mean about Tambourines within the worship group, either hand-held or mounted to a drum kick pedal. I’d go further and say that there’s room to try as many instruments as possible. I’m disturbed, though, at the thought that one day someone may bring Bagpipes in. To be honest, if it’s a joyful noise (and more importantly) pleasing to God in intention, then it’s another avenue to look at.
On a tangent, I’d love to see a Musicademy Blog post on Bagpipe worship and how to cope with all the sharps you’d have to crowbar into the songs (I’ll be heading over to YouTube to see if anyone’s done it shortly.)
Steve – I grunt in frustration sometimes when I play guitar – does that count?
Somehow I don’t think we’ll get to a worship bagpipe or kazoo DVD. I do have some worship digeridoo footage somewhere though so I’ll try and dig that out and post it for you all to enjoy.
I don’t know much about the drums but I’ve played around with some of the rhythms suggested by Andy on guitar. Unless the song is well rehearsed or the rhythm simple I do find it very difficult to sing and play. I suspect the same kind of thing occurs when you play drums. If you are focusing on some of the off beats it is hard to hold the melody line as well.
Bagpipes. It can be done. Here is a beautiful song by Stuart Townend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMWBx6vvJo. Did I mention I like his music and songs. Bagpipes appear around4.45. Not sure I’d be game to try them in a traditional band setting but then again you never know till you try.
Hi Marie,
Looking forward to seeing the footage :-)
I love the song the “The Great Southland” by Geoff Bullock. I’ve got a CD with the didgeridoo playing with accoustic guitar. Sounds fantastic and really suits the song.
Andy was at that Stuart Townend recording. They are actually uilleann pipes rather than bagpipes. Troy Donockley is a great player – they sound very beautiful here rather than sounding like a goat being squeezed too hard.
Nice example there – very Celtic. I suppose if the rest of the band sounded big enough and the key was correct (apparently pitches are different on bagpipes) then you could really ‘power-up’ a final chorus with the Goat squeezers.
I forgot about Amazing Grace, but that’s probably cheating.
Marie, the Didgeridoo accompaniment sounds interesting…
Digeridoo lesson coming up – just waiting for editor extremo Jon Bullock to pull it from the depths of one of our many hard drives.
Here is a link to a music tract featuring both didgeridoo and electric acoustic guitar. Personally I love the sound. Has a real Australian flavour and is a tasteful combination of both instruments. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TM5Neiw6Es&feature=PlayList&p=5712038A3FD55D56&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=14
The video shows an aboriginal corroboree. Obviously the instrument was frequently used in a context that involved demonically inspired worship. The same can be said of some of other instruments like the drums.
So with reference to the comments made by Tim in the OP, in some contexts there is a strong association between satanic worship and certain instruments. Playing those instruments in Christian worship could easily become a stumbling block for some Christians.
I see a strong application here for the comments in Scripture by Paul on the topic of eating meat offered to idols. Basically Paul says that if a particular behaviour is a major cause of offense and causes a brother to stumble then we should limit our Christian liberty out of love for our brother.
I enjoy an occasional beer. I’ve got Christian friends who are fighting alcohol addiction. I avoid offering having a beer in front of them when they come around.
I’ve heard testimony from new believers delivered from what could be describes an addiction to some forms of contemporary heavy metal music with very dark lyrics. They find it difficult to understand how this music can be used in Christian worship. I guess the same occurs in cultures that have once used certain instruments in a satanic context and have turned to Christ.
Some Christians believe that any instrument used in the context of demonic worship is evil. They are very offended if these instruments were introduced in a confrontational manner in the church. It could easily destroy the harmony within a church.
I don’t like joking about these issues. I’ve seen satan use them to disrupt and split too many churches. The issue is not black and white. Tim’s comments imply the opposite. In a more general form, it is this idea that music is amoral. That is the opposite end of the spectrum to the idea that certain kinds of music are inherently immoral.
Both extremes fail to take into consideration that depends greatly on peoples perceptions and how the instrument is played. What may be okay for some Christians in certain contexts may cause a great deal of offense for others. Whatever the outcome is decided, all Christians should show sensitivity, love and tolerance toward each other in reaching a decision.
Tim has shared a case where he evidently felt people did not respond in a Christian way. He jokes about it but I suspect that at the time the comments were hurtful. Maybe his article is a subtle form of retaliation.
I think the way out of the problems is to have a biblical perspective. There is nothing novel or new about this teaching from the Bible. It is basic Christian teaching yet I constantly see the issue being raised in a variety of different forms.
For the record, as music director I frequently have to moderate this issue of the level of drum noise in our own church. There are some older people who resent the level of noise from our young drummer for a variety of reasons. I enjoy his playing. At times it gets a bit overpowering. I draw the line when it gets so loud I cannot hear other members of the band. Where I draw the line is different to others and I need to consider their perspective.
If it gets too loud, the drummer gets a tap on the shoulder and asked to tone it down a bit. The thing I really like is that though he is young he shows real sensitivity to others and is willing to adapt.
At times I’ve been asked to tone down my guitar. Older people find the noise affects their hearing aid. In one case the a member complained it gave him a headache. I didn’t know my playing was that bad. :) It had got to the point where they didn’t want to come to church because of these problems.
Frankly I’d rather not play guitar than cause this kind of upset and I’m now very careful o get feedback about the noise levels . In general we have an understanding church and a music group that shows real sensitivity to the congregation.
We try to keep the perspective that it’s all about serving the church and inspiring worship rather than putting on a performance.
Worship leaders aren’t supposed to scrub toilets?? I wish someone had told me that sooner!!!! ;-)
Serve on, O Church!
Kris’s “boiled rice” post made me tweak an oblique.
And I’m left to wonder — how much practice does it take to learn to squeeze a goat just right?? I would love to see how it is done. Don’t send me a YouTube link, thoguh — the filters-that-be at our church won’t let any of us watch it. Something about it being used for Satanic purposes at some point. (As were goats, now that I think of it…)
I found the 10 lies quite entertaining, and I’m married to a bass player/trumpet player and my three grown kids play the guitar, bass, drums, keyboard, French horn, and violin, and sing. I’m just a boring pianist.
I do want to point out something that I think is worth considering, though. If someone grows up playing an unusual instrument as part of their culture, and then becomes a Christian, it is natural that they would want to offer that talent to God and He is perfectly capable of using it in an anointed way in a worship service. It is also true that sometimes people have memories of a former lifestyle attached to those same instruments and should lay them aside for awhile. Only the individual and God can decide which is appropriate. The instrument itself is just a hunk of wood, plastic, or whatever and not inherently either worshipful or demonic.
On the other hand, if someone just shows up with a homemade shaker because they think it would be a cool way to worship, they really don’t have talent or sensitivity (or they would know how awful it sounds). Those things are great for ball games where the whole point is enthusiastic noise.
Calm down calm down!! – I had to stop reading about half way down as I was trying to avoid the flying shrapnel…Tim’s Blog uses humour to make a point, obviously this can offend but please – what sort of example is being set here? If we are mature enough to post let’s be mature enough to stop posting when all we are doing is trying to score points – please – I am embarrassed by the tone of this discussion.
No Lisa. A worship leader’s only menial task should be to change lightbulbs. This is done by raising their hand whilst the entire world revolves around it.
I commend Kris’s idea too for using boiled rice in a shaker. This is an excellent way of adding ‘rhythm optional’ members into the worship team.
I am constructing an Intermediate Goat squeezing DVD in haist. However, due to limited goat availability in certain territories, we may have to offer country specific alternatives. Derek, would Posum squeezing be more appropriate down under?
I am practicing this as we speak. I think i just managed to get the first few bars of Here I am to Worship out of Marie’s dog…
Derek, I appreciate the concern, and the theory that my post may be a retaliation, but the fact is, Roy’s dead now.
er Tim, the editorial shepherd’s crook might have to come out soon…
Loved the post!
As a worship leader I would just lay down and die if someone came to worship with a tambourine or home made shaker.
Just sayin :)
I really appreciated the “10 Lies.” As someone who has led worship right through the “worship wars” sometimes it is good to poke a little fun at worship issues.
I think the key is definitely personal humility, with a real regard for making the best possible joyful noise that you and your worship group are able to produce.
Stylophone worship anyone….?? Andy?? Tim??
I agree with Cynthia that no instrument is inherently worshipful or demonic.
Except the organ.
I do have a question for Tim. Is it still an odd girlie strop if I am in fact a girlie? Or does that make it a normal strop?
Oh, and the boiled rice container for “rhythm optional” people is not only hysterical but an answer to prayer.
One more! Sorry…this is just so inspiring.
11. Auditions don’t belong in church because as long as “your heart is in the right place”, talent is optional.
Andy asks “Derek, would Posum squeezing be more appropriate down under?” We do have plenty of feral goats. :)
Bass players are not dull, definitely not the ones I know! They’re some of the most interesting, funny people I know…I agree with the tambourine comment though; once someone gave a tambourine to their child in the middle of worship, it was terrible; fotunately someone in the congregation rescued us from an inevitable train wreck…
Thanks Stacey – lots of laughs this morning in the office thanks to your comments. Loved the Worship Lie number 11 too.
I’m a bass player as well as a guitarist. Sometimes I’m boring. This is one of these times….
Wow Derek, Soooo Glad i’m not in your congregation.
“”Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
You seem to be quite unwilling to read the post in the spirit in which it was clearly written. I liked it, i have a fellow worship leader who is intolerably sarcastic most of the time, but i love him. I have a drummer who struggles to play louder than a tired door mouse but we all have problems. Tamborines should be banned and turntables & Loops should be encouraged. Paul and Silas worshipped to no music in a prison cell. We are able to worship with whatever selection of (wannabe) musicians God sends our way. The key is that we worship.
Derek, Overall i find you quite rude, but I know that God loves you.
Tim, Great Post, For what it’s worth… I Liked It.
In answer to Stacey. Yep, I suppose, it’s a normal strop. I hope that doesn’t make me a sexist.
Oh, and Philip, thank you for being kind about the post. Derek, dude you’re a legend – I love a good bit of banter. It’s been thoroughly entertaining.
So, now I’ll be serious. I love worshipping God and it’s a fantastic privilege to be involved in it in a church context. It’s also great that there’s passionate people like Derek who want to do that too… and that’s no lie.
God bless
Tim
Thanks for the discussion Tim. Glad to hear you love worshiping God as I’m sure most here do. Good to be reminded of that after this discussion.
Thanks also for the good restraint and Christian grace shown in your responses. No hard feelings intended or taken.
Legend? Make that the next lie on your list…
Just for the record, I have been known to get the sound of a strangled cat out of a violin – maybe this could be an alternative for the squeezed goat without animal exploitation?
If the drums are too loud – TURN UP YOUR GUITAR AMP!
Philip,
I take exception to your rather pointed accusation that my responses are rude. Mocking, sarcastic, sardonic, cynical, facetious, derisive, mordant or just plain tongue in cheek – maybe. But not rude.
Could I could borrow a line from Tim’s article and just say don’t take my jibes too seriously!
O and you are welcome at our church any time. If you are coming this way bring a tambourine or IPI (improvised percussive instrument) and join the music team for the morning.
Thanks for the didgeridoo video Marie. Makes me want to drag out the vacuum cleaner pipe and give it a go.
Derek… God Bless You dude.
hi, i put a tambourine at the front of the band each sunday to try and encourage people to join in with us and, to try and get the message over that we are not a band doing a performance.
as 3/4 of the church are aged 70 plus we don’t have many takers. i dont think home made shakers would go down very well in our church.
by the way i had a guy sitting in the second row one sunday who kept his fingers in his ears all through the worship time. we couldnt keep the youth from laughing about it afterwards so as you said dont take this to seriously.
OK – I’m a bass player, and I’m dull – I’m just blunt! And, I’m not so sure about that whole drummer’s being the devil thing…?
Tim-nope. Just making sure that being female I could have more than the occasional strop without it being considered odd as long as I made sure it wasn’t in front of the church where I make sure to look all angelic and perfect and smile at the media person as if it’s not driving me out of my ever-loving-mind that they can’t keep up with the words even if I enter them in the EXACT ORDER I’M GOING TO USE THEM…but I digress. Anyway, I guess that makes me the sexist. :-P
John, WOW. Living on the edge with that tambourine bomb. I bet you swallow fire and juggle with knives too!
Andy, does ‘rhythm optional’ mean ‘struggling guitarist?’ In that case I’d like to join a support group for rhythm optionals .
Does anyone else feel that the Didgeridoo is ‘the very sound of a heat haze?’
In the spirit of keeping my word…
I did try the Bass Synth patch at a music practice and the considered opinion was that it didn’t have a future
BUT
I am using the Octaver effect (at full pelt) in In Heavonly Armour tomorrow morning
Next stop wahwah
I think you should add the lie that says
“God gave me this song”
Playing the ‘God card’ doesn’t prove it was from God!
Not every song written by a Christian is a blessing – some of them are complete rubbish!
Some of them are wonderful, inspiring and a real blessing – some of them are not!
One Trackback
Bass, not boring…
There’s an amusing collection of Top Ten Church Worship Lies over at Music Academy. While trying to keep within the spirit of the post (ie not taking life too seriously) I would like to stand up for all us bassists who would dearly love to employ…