When preparing yourself, and your kit, for Sunday, how many cymbals should you pack? You may think this is a mute question - take whatever you own! Set up as much as you can! Use what the church has and your own! After-all, a good drummer has loads of cymbals, dont they?

In reality, each cymbal you have has so many sounds you may get away with fewer than you think. It’s quicker to setup and even quicker to pack up too. My typical setup, whether in a small worship set or on the big stage, aside from hats, is a 14in crash and a 17″ crash/ride. THAT’S IT! This setup looks far from imposing and yet I’m confortable with the variety of sounds that I get. To be fair, the 14 is paper thin, and the 17 is as thick as a car bonnet, but this gives me a huge range of timbres to play with. I also have an old  plug chain that I can put on the 17 for an extra sizzle. By using the whole surface of the cymbals you will be suprised by how many sounds you can produce.

When choosing your setup you also need to consider what will be required of you in the service and who else is in the band. If you’re playing alongside a violin and acoustic guitar, 10 cymbals may look a little overpowering and loud, even when they are not being played! Conversly, not having any way to grow with the band sound, may be helped by having an extra cymbal or two. You should also think about what it looks like to be surrounded by a wall of cymbals and how (in)appropriate it may be to be swishing and flaming your way though the set. Consider your audience/congregation and what they see when they look at the band.  It may be that your band sound needs the range of cymbals but be careful, I’ve never heard a drummer who improves simply by adding another cymbal to their setup.

Also, don’t forget that your high-hat is versatile too. Using a beater on an open hat is a very usable sound, so is using the bottom cymbal. Use different sticks - brushes, brooms, hotrods, beaters.

Obviously a lot of this is personal preference but do take into account your surroundings, your band, your setup time, the blend of sounds amongst your kit. Most of all, remember that you are first of all there to worship, to be transparent and help others to be the same.

Our new guest blogger Paul Twelftree is part of Holy Trinity Bormpton (HTB). He trained at Trinity College of Music and has worked within the professional/christian scene for over 15 years originally primarily on trumpet but now playing drums and percussion with various churches, bands as well as teaching. Involved with Pslam Drummers and on remixes for them and other artists. Currently wotking on a chrisitan remix/mash album

So perhaps two good places to start are compressors and DI’s. Compressors effectively smooth out your sound, evening out any nasty volume peaks and troughs. Great if you regularly change finger positioning and picking attack style. Just make sure you buy one that’s designed for bass. A dedicated bass DI can really help shape a consistent tone through a PA system – which is particularly useful if your church building is tricky for bass tones. A good DI is also helpful if the bass amp you’re working with isn’t very good or a useful back up rig in its own right. 

DI’s

• Sansamp bass Driver DI – very useful little box capable of dialling up a wide range of tones.

• MXR Bass DI+ - Very similar to the Sansamp but with a dedicated distortion button. Road test both!

• Sansamp VT bass character pedal. New DI pedal that models the sound of a full Ampeg stack with without the size and weight of an 8×10 cab. The videos on the Tech21 site look very convincing.

Compressors

• Aphex Punch Factory – Great quality dedicated bass compressor.

• Boss LMB 3 – great standard pedal in the bullet proof boss enclosure

• Electro Harmonics Bass Metaphor. Combination of DI, compressor and distortion in one unit.

Other useful pedals

• Aphex  Bass exciter. Very similar in principle to the acoustic exciter mentioned last post. So it adds tone, sustain to the low end plus some snap to the high end. Smaller rigs sound big; big rigs sound huge!

• Yamaha NE1 Nathan East parametric eq – very inexpensive little box that allows a wide range of tone shaping – it may be discounted now but search for an ebay bargain.

• Electro harmonics Steel Leather bass expander. The opposite of a compressor and is kinda like a range of Eqs pre- set for bass in one little box. Could really help you cut through if your tone is lost in the mix.

If you want to venture on to the wilder side there’s loads of stuff available. Again just check out you can actually use it convincingly in your own church music set up.

• MXR do a whole range of wilder effects for bass. Check out the Bass octave, Bass fuzz, Bass Auto Q, even a bass wah. Same rules apply

• Electro harmonix also have a great range, Micro Synth. great for funk, Bass Muff – massive low end fuzz, Bassballs filter

• Boss and Digitech have done bass pedals for years – check out the chorus, bass synth, EQ, flanger overdrive and more.
As ever there are load more of these type of pedals out on the market so if you have any good suggestions do let us know.

At the recent Christian Musician’s Summit I taught a class on songwriting. The response was good. The class seemed to be paying attention, taking notes and all. They were actually taking this seriously. So, I’d like to make up for my past sins and give you some serious, straightforward songwriting tips.

Number One- Say One Thing. If you are writing a song about mercy, don’t introduce the subject of love; save that for another song. If your lyrics speak about the goodness of God, don’t speak about impending judgment. Stick tightly to your subject. Wrap your words like skin around it.

I wrote a worship song called “In My Life, Lord, Be Glorified.” There are only five notes to the melody of the chorus and only seven words in the lyric. It is a simple prayer. Had I also talked about the power of God, or His great love, I would have diminished the power of the song. I am of the opinion that when you say two things in a song, you cut the power of the song in half. Just like in prose or public speaking, a powerful message is a focused message. Keep it simple. Say one thing.

Number Two - Say it Simply. Too many words spoil the soup. Beginning songwriters can suffer from the misconception that a sophisticated song needs more words. On the contrary, the very best, most sophisticated lyrics have been pared down to the absolute bare minimum. Examples of this are easy to find in pop music- “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” “I Want To Hold Your Hand,” That’s The Way, Uh-huh, Uh-huh, I Like It,” anything by Britney Spears- but don’t think that these are simple only because they’re mindless. One of my favorite songs, “Lush Life,” was written by Billy Strayhorn when he was sixteen years old. It has wonderfully interesting chord changes and a great melody, and the lyric is exquisite perfection; simple and to the point. Handel’s “Hallelujah” chorus is another good example.

It is much harder to write a simple song than it is to write a complex one. Simple songs take work. Inspiration must give way to craft. You start with a great idea. The lyric and the melody seem to fit well together. You write loads of words over an evolving chord progression. You fill up a couple of pages with ideas. Now you must carve away at it until there is nothing left but what belongs. You may have to omit lyrics you really like. Don’t worry. You still have the lyrics. Save them. But if it doesn’t fit the One Thing you are writing about in this song, be ruthless and throw them out.

I have a song called “Nails In The Hands Of A Carpenter” that I have written three times. That is, I have three completely different versions of the same song. The first two are okay. I might use the lyrics another time, but they did not communicate what I was trying to say. The first verse of the first version went like this;

This old house was falling down
Sorry and sinking, built on shaky ground
Too many years of never enough
Not much to look at, not much to love
Then a carpenter came and said “I love this old house
And I’d like to make it my own”
So He bought it and moved it to solid ground
And with His own hands He made this house His home
(chorus) Nails in the hands of a carpenter…

Not a bad lyric, but as I read it I realized that this was a song about a house, NOT about nails in the carpenter’s hands. So I wrote version #2;

Wouldn’t you know it was nails
They put in the hands of the carpenter
And wouldn’t you know that the wood of the cross
And the hammer they used would cause Him such loss
(chorus) Nails in the hands of a carpenter…

Closer, but it lacked any wit. The title has a bit of immediate, joyful word-play about it that this lyric just did not have. So onto another idea. These two had taken nearly six years to write, mostly because I had to let each idea fade before I could start on the next one. Finally, I had an idea for version #3;

It wasn’t a pen in the hands of a poet that caused my heart to sing
It wasn’t a brush in the hands of a painter that drew me to the King
And it wasn’t a sword in the hands of a soldier that set my spirit free
It was greater than these, it was nails in the hands of a carpenter

It wasn’t a coin in the hands of a merchant that purchased me with gold
It wasn’t a sceptre in the courts of a king that bid me come so bold
It wasn’t a net in the hands of a fisher that caught my floundering soul
It was greater than these, it was nails in the hands of a carpenter

(bridge) Oh the wood of the cross and the hammer they used
Were tools of the carpenter’s trade
And when they put the nails in His hands that day
It meant my debt was paid

It wasn’t the words of a thundering prophet that washed me like the rain
It wasn’t the gifts of three wandering wise men that turned my loss to gain
It wasn’t the touch of the hands of a surgeon that eased my spirit’s pain
It was greater than these, it was nails in the hands of a carpenter
And if you believe, you’re so thankful for nails in the hands
Nails in the hands of a carpenter

This after six years. But I finally had something that pleased me. I am vain enough to want to point out the little word-plays- “brush…painter…drew”, “net…fisher…floundering sole”, “thundering prophet…rain.” I had so many other ideas that never made it to the song. You will, too. Be ruthless with your own words.

Number Three- No Explanation Needed. Often when I am critiquing a lyric for a song-writer, they will say something like, “Well, what I meant by that was…” or “I had this experience where…” or “God was taking me through this lesson and…”… If your lyric needs explaining, it’s not a good lyric. Period. This is not to say that your lyric may not have a deeper meaning if the listener knows the circumstances of its creation. There are many very cool songs that are even cooler to the ones that have the inside story. “Martha, My Dear” by Paul McCartney was written about his dog. That fact was not noted in the liner notes, but when you know it, the lyrics have a secondary meaning that’s pretty funny. However, the song stands on it’s own without explanation. Hopefully, more people will hear your song than you would have time to explain it to. Let the lyric speak for itself. If it doesn’t, write one that does.

Number Four- Make Your Lyrics Speakable. Some songs sound like Yoda wrote them; “To the Lord I am listening…”, “Our voices now we raise…” While you are writing the lyric, speak it to make sure it lays well. Speak it in the rhythm of the melody to make sure the emphasis of the melody is falling in the same place that the emphasis of the sentence should be. As an example, you can give the above lyric several different meanings simply by the emphasis of your melody;
to the LORD I am listening (other voices crowd my head, but I am listening to GOD)
to the Lord I am listening (emphasis on “I”) (others may not, but I will hear Him)
to the Lord I AM listening (I wasn’t paying attention before, but now I am)

Make sure your melody supports the One Thing your lyric is about. Remember also that songs are not just poems set to music. Most poems must be altered, even if only slightly, to conform them to a workable, singable melody.

Number Five- Every Song Needs An Audience. This is very important. Perhaps I should have made it number two or three. Try to determine as soon in the song-writing process who the audience is for this song. Are you writing to yourself, God, the Church, an unbeliever (individual), unbelievers (plural), a wayward Christian, your wife, a lost loved one? Once you know the audience, STICK TO THAT AUDIENCE! Do NOT change audiences in the middle of the song. Unfortunately, there are many examples of audience-changing in Christian songs, some quite popular worship songs among them. (Note: a popular song is not necessarily a well written song.) If your song is directed to God, then continue talking to God in your song from first to last. Just like in conversation, you don’t start talking to a second person in the middle of a sentence or paragraph.

If the verse is directed to your dog, the chorus should be to your dog, too. Your dog needs to hear what you have to say. If your verse is to your dog and your chorus is to me, I could draw negative implications about your intentions (and I won’t buy the album.) Speak to one audience.

Number Six- One Metaphor At A Time. This should be obvious, but apparently, it is not. When I wrote in my “Mediocre Song” article about the “hand of God raining down on me,” I was attempting humor. To some, this is a perfectly acceptable phrase. They couldn’t understand my complaint. To me, though, this is worse than cats and dogs. Rain belongs in one verse, the hand of God in another. When you write, imagine a situation. See a room, a field, a temple, the Holy of Holies. See yourself in the place. See your posture; are you kneeling, standing, sitting, walking or lying prostrate? Let your lyric conform to your imagined place, circumstance and posture. This will help you communicate more precisely and will make your lyric more powerful.

Number Seven- Rewrite. Some people are loathe to rewrite because they say that God gave them the song and, therefore, it is not to be changed. Allow me to insert some terrible logic here. If God gave you the song- and it is His song- then don’t copyright it, control it and profit by it. It’s not yours. Don’t protect it from change (“Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord”). If it’s God’s song, it’s God’s song, not yours. Let God handle it. I am inclined to believe that God gives gifts of creativity, not songs, to people. If that is true, then your gift will always need perfecting and so will the produce of your gift. Rewrite your songs until you cannot think of anything else you can or should change in it.

I wrote a song called “Here Am I (Send Me To The Nations).” It came to me just as I was stepping out onto the stage at a youth conference in Hamilton, Ontario in the mid-Eighties. It was an appropriate message for the people there that night so I sang it. Years later, the fellow who did sound at the conference sent me a Christmas gift; the original cassette recording of that song from the night of its birth. I was struck by how much the song had changed from that first rendition to the finished version. I don’t even remember changing it, but I did. And it’s a better song for it. Rewrite ruthlessly. If you don’t criticize your song, there is a silent public who will. One more note on this point; don’t believe ANY of your good friends or family who tell you your song is great just the way it is. They’re lying because they love you. Let a dispassionate person hear it. Let someone who doesn’t like you hear it. They’ll tell you the truth.

Number Eight- Your Hook Is Your Title. Again, this should be obvious. When people refer to your song, they are going to describe it by the most obvious, memorable line from it. You should, too. If your hook is a series of grunts and whoops, call your song “The Grunting, Whooping Song.” I wrote a song for my Dad shortly after he died called “One Of These Days.” In the chorus there is a sing-along “Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho” that is quite moving to do in concert. That’s the part that sticks with the audience. People call it “The Hey Ho Song.” I do, too…now.

Number Nine- Read. If you want to increase your skill with words, read more. An eighty year old woman told me last weekend in Ohio that she remembers her husband having read only three books in 52 years of marriage. It may not have affected his life and job too much, but a habit of not reading is death to a writer. You must read the way other people use words. It will broaden your understanding of the language. Read good writers. Magazines and comics don’t count here. Most recent books in the Christian market are not that well written, either. Choose wisely. Shakespeare, C.S. Lewis, Dorothy L. Sayers, Charles Williams, G.K. Chesterton and Flannery O’Connor are good starting points. If you think that you’ll simply ignore this point, you are doing yourself a disservice and limiting your growth. Read the Bible. I am sometimes appalled at the lack of understanding many Christian musicians have of the Bible. It will help your writing if you know your subject.

On a related note, listen to good music. Write practice songs in the same style as your favorite artists. This will help you understand their use of melody and chord structure.

Number Ten- My Pet Peeve; Songs That Motivate With Guilt. This is not so much a lyrical guideline as it is a suggestion for Christian writers. I produced an album recently for a fellow who had a song about the wonderful sacrifice Jesus made for us on the cross. In the bridge he wanted to introduce another theme, which was “if God did this for you, why won’t you do more for Him?” Of course, this broke rule number one right away. He was saying two things. But it also introduced the motivation of guilt. I tried to skirt the issue and suggest that he could write a better lyric, but he kept coming back with the same message in a new form. I finally just told him that I couldn’t agree with the point of the lyric. If Jesus, “who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, suffering the shame” went to the cross for joy, then how could I feel any differently about it than He did? If it was Jesus’ joy, then it’s my joy, too. God gives freely, without demanding return. That is the dangerous message of the cross. Nothing you do can or will make a difference in that. God gave for joy. That’s all. We give our lives to Him for the same joy. Don’t turn the Good News into Mostly Good News, Somewhat Good News or even Bad News. Resist the temptation to motivate with guilt. Let your audience come freely to the cross.

Rule Number Eleven- Timeless and Timely. Some songs are good for a year or two and then they’re gone and forgotten. Others are still here after hundreds of years. Both are okay. We need songs that are so timeless that they transcend culture and change by speaking of those things that do not change. We also need songs that tell us about the here and now. The rare songs do both. Christian songs by their very nature are attempting to communicate a timeless truth in a timely way. If you are writing for the whole world, make a song that will be appropriate everywhere. There are many American Christian songs that just don’t work in other countries. My son, who is a writer, was visiting an Asian Communist country and was attending a clandestine Christian gathering in a jungle clearing. He didn’t know the words of the song these oppressed Christians were passionately singing so he asked his guide to translate for him. They were not singing about how good it is to be in His presence, or how blessed we all are, or how God breaks every chain and sets us free. They were singing together “How long, O Lord, will you forget us?” Remember them when you write your song.

I hope these thoughts will help you write great songs. If you still write mediocre songs, take some comfort in knowing that every writer writes mediocre songs. The great ones come through perseverance and practice.

This article originally appeared in Christian Musician magazine. Bob Kilpatrick wrote the classic worship choruses “In My Life, Lord, Be Glorified” and “Here Am I (Send Me To The Nations)”, has a daily devotional on the KLove radio network and has a new book coming out with Zondervan in 2010. His website is at bobkilpatrick.com

The service was called ‘That’s The Spirit!’ and shows worship from Kingsgate Community Church in Peterborough. See what you think.

And click below for the latest from the Musicademy blog:

• Andy Chamberlain’s recommended pedals for acoustic guitar
• Free video clip - Tim Martin on working with two keyboards in a worship band
• Independent review of Vocaleze throat spray
• From train wreck to nervous wreck - dealing with nerves for musicians
• Guest post from Bob Kilpatrick - How to write a really mediocre worship song

Click through and please do add your comments - its great to hear what you think about it all.

You can get these new blog posts as they happen via email or RSS feed.

And don’t forget to e-mail us your “Ask the Expert” questions.

I’ve done a few articles about recommended pedals to get started with on electric guitar in a contemporary worship band setting and in response a number of people have asked for something similar for acoustic guitar and bass, so here are some thoughts. Similar principles apply to both instruments so I’ll list the acoustic pedal ideas in this post and the bass ones in the next.

When you get this kind of “what pedals for acoustic or bass” question the immediate response from many pro musicians is – don’t! Both these instruments are designed to be used with a natural tone and a lot of the time putting an electric guitar pedal though them is somewhat akin to too much icing on a cake. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a worship service where the acoustic guitarist has used their favourite digital chorus pedal for the whole set, but it just gets fatiguing on the ears after a very short time! So in short everything that changes your natural tone needs to be used in short bursts at choice moments.

So if you want start with a couple of boxes it’s probably worth considering some pedals that enhance your natural tone rather than trying to change it. Firstly buy a great tuner, it’ll be the pedal you use the most and there’s nothing worse than a slightly out of tune guitar. Try getting one that mutes the output when you step on it. Also don’t be tempted to go for a cheapie. I’ve tried loads of cheap tuners over the years and the frustration that comes with it not be able to clearly pick up the right string sound is simply not worth the few quid you save on purchase price. There are loads available so do some research but here are some choices to get you going.

• Boss TU2 – undisputed champion for years but now there are some good alternatives

• Planet waves chromatic tuner – as above but with true bypass

• Peterson Strobostomp – A very accurate strobe based tuner. More expensive but excellent and includes a DI too

• Boss TU20 – an excellent hand held alternative to the TU2

• Korg Pitchblack – These are new and I have tried one but they look good value, easy to read and very heavy duty.

Once you got a tuner I’d invest in a decent preamp/DI if you’re guitar doesn’t already contain one. A good preamp will make the very best of your natural tone in an amplified situation. Some of these can be mounted inside the instrument others on the floor.

• Lr Baggs Para DI. - Lots of pro musicians use and recommend this unit

• Sansamp Para Driver DI – Very useful preamp for all sorts of acustic instruments.

• Fishman Aura acoustic imaging blender. Designed to be used to give a great recording tone as well as for live usage.

• Morgan Hill Natural 1 – This is a really intelligent combination of Preamp, DI and Volume pedal
 

None of these units are particularly cheap but the moral here is if you are going to invest in a unit don’t buy a cheap pedal just for the sake of it. Chances are it’ll wreck your tone. Spend good money on one or two great items that will last a long time and improve your tone.

If you do want to try some effects on acoustic there are a few pedals that are specifically designed for the job. Again always come back to taste so use in moderation.

• Fishman acoustic aura effects pedals. These come in chorus, delay and reverb and are high quality enough that they won’t wreck the nuances of the acoustic tone of your instrument.

• Yamaha acoustic magicstomp – a couple of years back Yamaha made this pedal with a number of good quality subtle acoustic based effects that included chorus compression and even microphone modelling. It didn’t really take off but if you can find one they make a good ebay bargain

• Volume  Pedal – Very useful! try Morley, Boss, Visualsound or Ernie Ball

• Aphex Acoustic Exciter – not strictly an effects pedal or preamp, more of a sonic maximiser that is a bit like a ‘loudness’ button on an old Dolby equipped stereo system. so it gives the top end a bit more zing, tightens the bass, adds a little more punch etc.

So here are a few acoustic effects to get you started. I’ve not covered all the bases by any means so do add your thoughts and ideas. Obviously I’ve veered towards the subtle side of effects and I’m in no way against experimentation – technically you can put almost any effect through an acoustic guitar (I’ve even seen fuzz used effectively) but before going wild with new sounds we should probably ask ourselves the questions. Will it fit with the style of music, will it ‘over flavour’ the instruments natural tone and can you use it with taste and restraint?

Tim is the presenter of Musicademy’s Worship Keyboard DVDs.

Nerves, fear, trepidation, lack of confidence are all feelings that can cripple a musician and stop him or her playing for, and worshipping God.

Around ten years ago, I suffered from acute nerves when playing drums in front of an audience/congregation. At one point it became so bad that I would simply turn down any invites to play at worship events because the fear became almost uncontrollable.

I still suffer nerves, but not in the same way – most musicians will tell you that nerves, in their mildest form, can help. An element of trepidation before a ‘performance’ means you care enough not to make a hash of it.

I completely identify with those who suffer stage fright. It became part of my life as musician until I learned to manage my fears. Those who quote the scripture ‘Perfect love casts out all fear’ to a nervous musician might feel they are helping. I appreciate the sentiment, but it comes across as throw-away and glib. Platitudes such as this generally underscore feelings of inadequacy moments before ‘battle’ is due to commence.

The reality is you have to build confidence as a musician and this takes time. I started getting nerves after an incident of monumental ineptitude – I can laugh about it now, but only just…

I had been asked to dep for a band with, shall we say, an eclectic song set. It was a jazz/country/folk outfit with a strange line-up. Acoustic guitar, viola, flute, bass, mandolin, keyboard and drums seemed haphazard, but as a musical soup it just about worked.

The band leader didn’t read music and had little respect for the duties/concerns of a drummer. Time signatures were changed on what seemed like a whim, tempos were abused, modulations were fluked.

I had two rehearsals, but I might as well have not bothered with the second, since the structure of the songs changed on a minute-by-minute basis. The songs evolved you see. Come the gig, a sense of doom pervaded my soul. I knew it would be Train Wreck time for me. This was all about damage-limitation.

I managed to get through the first half of the set fairly unscathed but the song list still hadn’t yet got to the ‘Nightmare’ song that I was confident would be my undoing. As the 6/8 rhythm to Nightmare began I sensed a musical tragedy was imminent. I was supposed to wait for a ‘signal’ for the 4/4 change that would lead me into a linear phrase that would be repeated four times.

I’m sure I noticed a nod. I started the 4/4 phrase, but the band was still in 6/8. The band reverted to 4/4. I went back to 6/8. It sounded like rocks had been caught in a vacuum cleaner and I have never heard a drummer - before or since - so fantastically out of time

I can only describe this as ‘an unholy mess’. The audience looked aghast – their faces were ovular with no discernible features and soon they began to resemble that of ‘The Scream’ as I ploughed through to the end of the set. By that time I was a gibbering wreck – a shell of a man. Oddly, the band leader offered me the gig full-time for reasons I still do not understand. Either he was a) completely deaf or b) a total sadist.

I turned the offer down. I simply could not go through the trauma of that all over again. For years this incident cast a black shadow over my drumming and I never really got the same kind of fluidity in my playing.

I discussed this with a worship leader once. He told me that I should ‘repent’ of my fears. He wasn’t being offensive, he was simply pointing out that to worship properly you have let go of yourself.

All your fears, pride, talent, abilities, ambitions are secondary to the reason for you being there and that is to worship God.

The greatest worshipper was David. He played music and danced but his big ‘gig’ was to defeat Goliath. It’s a fantastic story but I still think that as he chose his stones for his sling, his heart was pumping out of his chest. He was only a man, like you and I, and he relied on God to help him.

Real worship, I think, in daily life, is when the desire to please God overrides everything… and that includes all your fears.

Last night my band was privileged to play at the wedding of Quin Delport (WW Message Tribe in the old days, and fronts new power-pop band, “Shackleton”) - a lovely man with a great voice.  There would be lots of musicians and singers in the crowd, so I kind of expected I’d be trying too hard and wreck my voice again. Therefore a great opportunity to take with me a voice-saving vocal spray!

In our first set “The Vibe Was Insane” (a quote from the audience there!)  I gave it everything and wrecked my voice in 30m flat!  Here’s the news: a couple of squirts of VocalEze were highly effective. After a 30m break I was wailing again, hitting the highs and the lows all through set two. I was genuinely impressed because I’ve caused my own voice-wreck many many times before, and I know this time went differently.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t care what style of singer you are: prevention Is better than a cure, and so the Right Thing To Do is a proper warm-up routine. Not only will you avoid a voice-wreck in the first place, but even more importantly: you will sing better!  However, for the inexcusable throat abusers like myself, these vocal sprays are a good insurance. These samples will definitely be on the Our Dad stage for my 5-night endurance test at Soul Survivor Momentum this year. Thank you Musicademy!

Mediocrity, on the other hand, is excruciating. It has the desire for excellence without the talent to make it happen. It’s the loser of the playoff game, the billiard ball that almost went into the corner pocket, the salutatorian of the graduating class. Having written hundreds of mediocre songs, I consider myself an expert. Consequently, I have deigned to share with you my tips on how to write a really mediocre song. These are road tested and guaranteed to work.

Number One- Start with a melody that sounds like another melody. This is especially effective if you model it after another mediocre melody. Make your melody only different enough to keep you out of a copyright infringement suit. Otherwise, hew as close as possible to what has been done before. “My Sweet Lord” was a good example of this at one time.

Number Two- To make up for the derivative melody, wrap it around some very odd chords. If you’re in the key of C, say, try throwing in a C, G#maj7, B6, F#m combination. This is what I call the “search for the lost chord” and is popular among high school boys working on their first songs.

Number Three- Free yourself from the restrictive song structures of the past. Move away from the verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus form into something that wanders without repeating itself. If you must have a chorus, change the words or the timing every time you repeat it.

Number Four- Say something in the lyric that others have said many times before and better. Borrow lyric ideas, if you can. Songs that refer to “amazing grace” or “the king in majesty” are especially good starting points. Reading through hymnals and chorus books will help you cull/steal ideas from other writers that you can dull down and repeat mindlessly.

Number Five- Use Christian phrases in common usage in the English speaking world. Don’t change them (millions of happy Christians can’t be wrong.) Here’s a list to get you started;
- washed my sins away.
- He lifts me up
- I just came to praise the Lord
- saved
- born again
- glory

Number Six- The reverse of Number Five- Don’t use any phrases that Christians would recognize. Make your metaphors so esoteric that only you and your closest friend from junior high get the meaning. This approach also helps if you want to reach a wider audience with your song. The less your lyrics can be construed to talk explicitly about God the better.

Number Seven- Don’t say just one thing in a song. Say two, or three, or even four things. Wander from idea to idea. Start by singing about your past sinful life, then move on to how wonderful nature is, then sing about the people of God and end up at the Second Coming. If you can make it all sound like it could be either, a)a worship song or, b)a love song, even better.

Number Eight- Mix and match your metaphors. Let rivers run over mountains in your song. Let the hand of God rain down on you. Stand before the throne on your knees. If you find this mixing and matching difficult to do, reading through modern chorus books or many recent Christian  novels will help.

Number Nine- If you’re writing a worship song, talk TO God sometimes and ABOUT God at other times. If you can squeeze them both into the same line, especially in the chorus (if you must have one), all the more mediocre.

Number Ten- Never, ever rewrite your song after the first draft. If you hit a lyrical block, you can use the words “really” or hallelujah”  or “to the Lord” very effectively to keep the song moving. If you must rewrite, do it when you’re tired, depressed or angry. Don’t throw away the first draft, just in case the song inadvertently improves.

Number Eleven- Give the song a title that never appears in the lyric. Make it obtuse or completely meaningless in relation to the song. One word titles patterned after concepts or naturally occurring phenomenon are good. Some ideas are;
- Rainy Day Worship Song #19
- Sun
- The Three Of Us
- Wind
- Mountains And Sea
- anything about shouting
- You
- Before The Throne

There you have it. I’ve topped David Letterman’s list and, like Spinal Tap, have gone “one more higher.” If these guidelines don’t help you write truly, remarkably mediocre songs, then you should consider giving the effort up. Be careful, too, that you stay away from the reverse of these simple rules. If you don’t, you might start writing bad songs, or even good ones.

This article originally appeared in Christian Musician magazine. Bob Kilpatrick wrote the classic worship choruses “In My Life, Lord, Be Glorified” and “Here Am I (Send Me To The Nations)”, has a daily devotional on the KLove radio network and has a new book coming out with Zondervan in 2010. His website is at bobkilpatrick.com

Bob’s take on How to Write a Really Good Worship Song will be published in a couple of weeks.