Worship Team Hero – the rules of play

We found this hysterically funny piece in a Facebook Group. It nicely turns on its head lots of our advice.

 

This group is intended to promote the development of the new video game Worship Team Hero.

You play a worship leader of a big time Church in downtown Calgary. As with all worship teams, you must recruit a band (or two) composed entirely of Churched individuals who think they are skilled in their instrument, when really, they are mediocre at best.

You must develop a repetoire of worship songs. You will train your transposition and arranging skills as you must make sure that every song has no more than four chords (fewer is better). Also, every song must be in either E or G, because any other key is much too hard for guitarists.

The game takes you through an exciting journey of worship leading as you develop and promote your ministry.

Feel free to engage and allow your instrumentalists to experiment with solos, but take caution, because any excessive soloing will cause an uprise amongst the old ladies in your congregation.

You must make sure your guitarists do not turn their amp past a .5 volume level! This will result in dissension from the sound techs in the back of the Church!

All worship sets must include a minimum of one hymn. This does not include modern hymnal remakes. You must learn to balance contemporary and classical worship music. This is to keep all ages of your congregation happy.

Hymns are only accessible in higher levels, due to the faster chord changes.

Every song will use a mystical progression called “The Jesus Chords”, consisting of G, D, Em, C. Should you decide to alter this progression in any way, brace yourself for mass confusion amongst team members and congregation alike.The final level will be a song in the key of A. However, it is impossible to beat, because none of your guitarists can play an F#m.

You must have a minimum of three guitarists on your team. One bass, one electric, and one acoustic. Also, your acoustic must always be out of tune.

Your electric guitarist must play 90% of what the acoustic player is playing. Any derivation should be dealt with by turning the amp down. Also, the amp must be run through a DI Box. Do not mic the amp. Heaven forbid you have good tone.

Every song, every time in between the pre-chorus and chorus, must include a random band member shouting ‘Jesus’, ‘Lord’ or other indistinguishable noises.

90% of your vocalists must sing the melody. Any harmonies must be practically inaudible, and be dragged out longer than the melody to allow the congregation to hear them.

All worship sets must include a minimum of one (1) Chris Tomlin song.

If you are playing for a youth or young adult audience, song selection is strictly limited to United, Jesus Culture and/or Desperation Band. Do not introduce more than 2 songs that are not known, as this will confuse and drive out the youth.

Once a month, the head pastor must join your worship team with a tamborine.

Your head pastor will always join you on stage for the last song. At this point, you will step down and let him sing. No matter how badly this sounds, remember God is still pleased.

Every song, fast or slow, must have a keyboard pad as the background. They keyboardist must work hard to make it look like they are contributing. (This is usually achieved by dramatic facial expressions, swaying, or yelling in between prechoruses and choruses.)

Members cannot practice daily, nor have any understanding of modes, chord-scale relationship.

Even if is only going from soft to mind-blowingly loud in half a measure, your drummer requires only one skill: and that is to build.

Drummers must resort to “Hot Rods” and/or plastic sticks because wood sticks make too much noise, which is never a good thing.

As well, the drummer is strictly the only member of the team with a sense of style. This style must be along the lines of or some modification of “scruffy”.

The bassist will always be the only member of the band with actual talent. To ensure that no one hears him, make sure he is turned down at all times except for simple, one-note intros.

As with all worship teams, you’re arch-nemesis “satan” will randomly incorporate his evil into your worship team. This will inevitably include failing power supplies, vocal mishaps, instrument destruction, etc..

Occasionally, one of your guitarists will require a capo. This will result in utter chaos as you will now have two sets of chord sheets, which will inevitably be mixed up and now none of your band members will know which key to play in.

Hero mode will include a song which requires a key change. Naturally, this will result in a melody way too high for ANYONE in the congregation to sing.

One of the boss levels will require you to bring the whole band in at the same time following a song which the Pastor requires to be sung a capella.

You will have to master a few commonly used gestures between musicians – especially between leaders and the remaining band. These will be met with a confused look and a shrug. Points are awarded for getting your band-mates to properly execute the section, using any means necessary (not excluding, dirty looks, frantic arm waving and/or yelling).

Practice Mode. Practice mode will always be fantastic and include many elements foreign to Sunday morning. ie: drum fills, shots, accapellas, interludes, worship, and the Holy Spirit. Also, every song’s tempo will be increased by 30bpm to increase anxiety levels.

Bonus points if everyone in your band (including vocalists) shows up on time. However, double MINUS those points because the sound techs are MIA.

Occasionally during practice or performance you will encounter a challenge entitled “How does this song go?” Your guitarist, or pianist, who is starting the intro for your next song is frantically mouthing words to you. Can you make sense of their mumblings and remind them how it goes?

All drum kits must be completely engulfed by plexi glass. No one will know or ever understand the reasoning for this.

Occasionally, all instruments must play the exact same lick as the bass for a portion of a song. This will be known as “bass repetition”

Any and all guitar solos MUST begin with the melody of the song’s chorus. Derivation will be allowed (but not recommended) after 4 bars.

You, as the worship leader, must conduct the entire congregation. You will not keep tempo however. You must force the band to follow your seizure-like speed changes.

Metronome/click track use during practice is strictly prohibited as it may unnecessarily make the musician too regimented. Could also lead to interference with “Spirit-led” (aka, wildly varying tempo) worship.

The game will also include a Stage Design mode, in which you will be able to add your own personal and more realistic touches to your environment. ie. tacky plastic flowers, inspirational banners, etc.

There will be a Character Design mode where you can dress your player. Your choices for clothing will range from the “earthy” worship leader (ie: birkenstocks and fuzzy sweaters) to the wannabe rockstar style (ie: ripped up jeans, layered shirts, messy fauhawk-mullet) to the conservative (full suit or ankle lenght black skirt, turtleneck etc.). Any choice of “inappropriate” clothing will result in an uprising of old ladies and threatening elders.

Patience Mode.
Patience Mode will include various aspects of worship, such as a member of the congregation who believes that they have amazing talent in playing an unusual musical instrument (90% of the time, it will be a classical instrument.) They will also clearly lack any talent whatsoever. You will have to clear stages with people playing recorders, flutes, trumpets, and a xylophone. The final level will include a bagpipe player who feels that he must contribute to the Praise & Worship songs….good luck.

Bonus points if all acoustic players, especially the singer-songwriter-worship leader, break a G string as they adrelanize while singing. More bonus points if any under-30 members of the band keep their mouths shut once they find out what just happened.

If your worship team can make it big, you will encounter a level in which your worship ministry produces it’s own album of all cover songs that have already been covered by multiple artists. Bonus points for including a massively over-produced version of “Heart of Worship.” You gain points if you can succesfully justify not licensing the album with the logic “it’s for the Lord’s glory.”

Choosing worship set lists will be required at each level. Remember, inconsistancy and indecision are key. You will rehearse your set and then change three songs on Sunday and then change two more between services. Bonus points for having team setup where worship leader, bassist, and drummer are such good friends they can read each others minds.

Song arrangement is key in a successful worship team. You must be sure to always have a song selection of 2 fast, 1 and/or 2 mid-tempo and 2 slow songs, in this order. Failure to do so will cause disengagement from the congregation.

In addition, the final slow song must be dominated by an angelic synth sound. This activates the Holy Spirit.

Be sure not to leave more than 4 seconds of awkward silence while transitioning songs, as the Holy Spirit Level Indicator (HSLI) will take a sudden drop.
If the HSLI remains in the red for more than 15 seconds, your team will be asked to leave the stage, and you will be told gently that there are other teams who would like to use their gifts for God as well. You will not be invited back to lead.

Points will also be lost when you request “just the voices”, and your drummer keeps playing. Or, when the vast majority of the congregation raises their hands and sings only during the chorus, while staring blankly at you or the projection screen during the verses.

It is possible (although difficult) to unlock a bonus level by successfully turning off the volume for “the bad singer”; leaving their voice only coming through their own monitor, yet convinced that everyone in the congregation can hear them.

Oh, and its: Verses, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus, Verse…there is NO reason to change this, obvious, God-given order.

Lose points if you say “God is good”, and nobody says “all the time”.

At the end of a set (level), a middle-aged woman who knows your name but doesn’t introduce herself will say, “You’re SO anointed!”
Then the FHLI will blink, indicating the false humility you’re about to use to respond. 5000 extra points and a free set of in-ears if you can figure out how to respond well.

Every so often you, as the leader, will take it upon yourself to do an acoustic set; which will face great and silent opposition from your electrics, keyboard and bass. No matter how boring this is, no one is allowed to or will ever complain because we all know that we do not come to church to be entertained. Proper completion of this level will contribute to a higher than normal FHLI, and a smaller turn out of youth the following Sunday.

and yes, it has to be played EXACTLY as Hillsong would play it.

Pilfered from the Facebook group Worship Team Hero